by laura dodd - link therapies
As speech-language pathologists, we often hear well-meaning families say things like, “He can communicate—he just doesn’t want to,” or “She knows how to ask but won’t do it unless we make her.” These statements are usually born out of frustration, especially when a child has the ability to speak or use a communication system but doesn’t consistently do so. But here’s an important truth we want to share:
Communication is intrinsically motivating.
Unlike other skills—like solving a math problem or learning to tie shoes—communication is driven by a basic human desire to connect, express, and share joy with others. We are wired for interaction from the moment we are born. Babies coo and gaze at caregivers long before they say words. Toddlers bring toys to adults and point things out not just to get something, but to share an experience: “Look at this cool bug!” “Did you see what I saw?”
Language Isn't Just a Learned Behavior
Sometimes families view communication as something that needs to be taught the same way we teach spelling or multiplication tables—with drills, rewards, and consequences. But language is fundamentally different.
Language emerges in the context of relationships, play, and real-world experiences. Children learn to communicate not because they are rewarded with stickers or screen time, but because they experience the joy of being understood, the delight of making someone laugh, the comfort of asking for help and receiving it. When a child says “mama” and mama lights up with a smile, that is reinforcement enough. The connection is the reward.
When we approach communication as something that requires external motivators to “make” a child participate, we risk turning something naturally joyful into a task or obligation. This can lead to increased resistance and frustration—not only for the child, but for the family as well.
“He Just Doesn’t Want To” – What’s Really Going On?
When a child is not communicating, it’s rarely because they don’t want to. More often, it’s because:
They don’t have a reliable or accessible way to express themselves
They don’t feel confident or successful when they try
The environment isn’t rich in opportunities for authentic, low-pressure communication
They haven’t yet experienced communication as powerful, meaningful, or fun
In these cases, increasing pressure or using rewards may backfire. Instead, we want to create interactions where communication feels safe, empowering, and joyful.
Supporting Communication Through Connection
So how do we help a child who isn’t yet using communication consistently?
✅ Start with shared experiences. Get down on their level, follow their interests, and narrate what’s happening. Play is a great vehicle for connection.
✅ Respond to all communication—not just words. A look, a gesture, a sound—when we treat these as meaningful, children learn that communication works.
✅ Model without pressure. Whether you're modeling signs, words, or AAC (augmentative and alternative communication), let your child see communication in action—without expecting them to copy it right away.
✅ Celebrate connection, not compliance. The goal is a child who wants to communicate, not one who has to.
Communication is a Right, Not a Reward
Every child deserves the chance to express themselves—to protest, to joke, to ask, to connect. Communication is not a performance to be incentivized; it’s a relationship to be nurtured.
When we treat communication as inherently meaningful and rooted in relationship, we unlock something powerful: a child who sees themselves as capable, connected, and understood.
And that’s when communication truly begins to bloom.
“Very happy with all of the speech sessions. Our therapist was always willing to answer and explain any questions I had in a way I could easily understand. She worked with me on the goals we focused on and really listened to my concerns. Most importantly my daughter LOVED seeing and “playing” with her each week.”